I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue

Mr Mustard is a big fan of this Radio 4 programme, especially of Samantha who doesn't exist, and there is an empty chair for her whenever the programme is recorded in halls around the country. She always gets a big cheer. Barnet Council customer services decided to play the game recently and clearly haven't got a clue.

There are lots more clips where that one came from and hopefully you remembered what you were doing and are back with Mr Mustard now.

Not having owned a TV for some years when Mr Mustard made up the name of his mystery shopper from Birmingham he chose the surname Jones for Samantha, that being a fairly common name, and didn't remember that she is a character in Sex in the City. Mr Mustard had sex on the blog last week, moving swiftly on....

Here is what "Samantha" sent in to first.contact@barnet.gov.uk

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8 October 2012

Dear Sir or Madam

I am visiting East Finchley next week. I don't carry a mobile phone and I have checked on the Barnet Council website and see that I can buy a voucher in a local shop to pay for my parking.

Please could you send me a list of the shops in East Finchley where I can buy one of the 1 hour vouchers.

Yours faithfully

Samantha Jones

92 Torrey Grove

Birmingham

B8 3RR

(the road exists but not this number)

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9 October 2012

Dear Samantha Jones,

Please accept this reply as confirmation that I have received your email.

I will investigate the contents of your email and provide you a full response within ten working days.

Kind regards

Parking Services

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Samantha sat at home in Birmingham planning her trip which was going to take place by 20th October at the latest and wondered if she would get the vital information in time.

On 2 November she could wait no longer. A fat lot of use customer services had been to an out-of-town visitor up until now. This pay-by-phone or voucher parking system really must be putting people off of visiting Barnet.

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2 November

Dear Mr Parking

I have had some trouble with my inbox and so hope I didn't miss your message. I also had to postpone my trip and am now going to East Finchley at the end of the month so it would help me to know which shop I have to go to to get a voucher.

Thank you so much

Samantha

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The reply came a little more quickly this time although it wasn't of any use.

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5 November

Dear Samantha Jones,

I can confirm that the following webpage contains all information. I am afraid we do not keep a list of individual businesses which stock the parking vouchers. I can, however, confirm that all Barnet libraries sell them.

Kind regards

Parking Services

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The webpage address was not included in the email. Not having a list of stockists of parking vouchers by shop for each CPZ zone strikes Mr Mustard as a failure to have even the most basic information available. Vouchers are not the answer to the missing parking meters. So Samantha wrote again.

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7 November 2012

Dear Mr Parking

Thank you for your reply. Is it me or have you not put the details of the webpage with all the information?

I could go to the library. My appointment is at 9am. Is the library open at that time? Where is it? Can I park there without getting a parking ticket? I now expect to stay from 9am to 1pm. How much will that cost please?

I am sorry to keep troubling you but I really hate to get parking tickets as I do not have any spare money and so always have to check before I go anywhere about what is correct.

Thank you so much.

Samantha

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This time Samantha received a reply on the same day, and she has undergone a sex change since she last wrote:

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7 November

Dear Mr Jones,

My apologies, I did not put the website address in the email.

I can confirm that page is http://www.barnet.gov.uk/info/930112/cashless_parking_and_parking_vouchers/714/cashless_parking_and_parking_vouchers.

All of the information you seek is available on this page.

Information on libraries can be found at http://www.barnet.gov.uk/info/437/libraries.

Kind regards

Parking Services

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Is it just Mr Mustard or do you all think that absolutely no service has been provided at all. The information provided was slow, pauce and not likely to attract visitors to Barnet. Samantha knew the library did not open until 9.30am which was why she chose a 9am appointment to see what advice or assistance she would receive. None at all is the answer. The phoneless Samantha has a problem unless she can find a shop that sells vouchers before she gets a parking ticket. At the library there is only one parking space which is reserved for the disabled so that she cannot use as she does not have a blue badge.

Samantha is going to retire from the mystery shopping market now. Watch out at first.contact as she will reappear in a new guise one day.

Yours frugally

Mr Mustard

Vouching for the vouchered

Parikiaki

The following email was sent to the "leader" of Barnet Council, Cllr Richard Cornelius, on the evening of Saturday 6 October (whilst it was to the forefront of Mr Mustard's mind) and copied to the other 62 councillors (sorry to spoil your evening with work councillors, well those of you that don't delete Mr Mustard's emails on arrival, that is). It is far too early for a reply and Mr Mustard gets a reply only some of the time. Mr Mustard is sure that Mr Cornelius, being a polite chap wants to reply, but knows that if his reply is not robust enough, rather like the typical Barnet Council contract, always assuming one exists, Mr Mustard will forensically dissect his reply and write again. Do you remember the Longstaff letters - Mr Mustard never heard from Goldenarse again (Mr Mustard often finds his letters get placed into the too difficult pile) although he half expects to bump into him in Cafe Buzz one day now that he has found out how good the food is there.

Dear Cllr Cornelius

I am writing to you to tell you that I have today witnessed first hand that the parking vouchers are not the solution to the parking payment problem. Nor is pay-by-phone as they both suffer from the problem of delay which leaves motorists vulnerable to receiving a parking ticket (PCN) during the period in which they are paying.

Today I was in Cafe Buzz enjoying a late lunch (cheese and mushroom omelette with salad, the omelette was light and fluffy, you should try one some time) when a lady came in. She went to the counter and asked for a parking permit and after being asked opted for a 1 hour permit. As she went outside I heard a commotion. A traffic warden was issuing a ticket and was deaf to the explanation of the lady who was waving her voucher around. The traffic warden finished off the issuance of the parking ticket and went on her way. So, as it happens, did the lady. She did not return to the cafe to buy any food or drink.

Forget that it happens to be Cafe Buzz, I also frequent Dorys Cafe in High Barnet which has also suffered a huge drop in trade since meters were removed.

The potential lady customer did not come back into Cafe Buzz. She is a regular so will appear on a future date and I will be a witness to what happened and assist her with her appeal which should not, of course, be necessary.

Now you are a polite man. Imagine that you do not have a free permit and that you have to pay for your parking. You turn up and park your car near to a cafe or shop somewhere in Barnet. Firstly you have to find a shop which sells these vouchers. You may be unlucky in the first place that you try. You reach the second one, the clock is ticking. There are two people in front of you, the first one is paying for their meal and the second is placing their order, they are undecided and it takes a minute or so. You are too polite to butt in and ask for a parking voucher, I would be the same (council business is not more important in a shop or cafe than their own turnover). There is no requirement to observe your car in a pay-by-phone bay for longer than is necessary to issue the ticket which is a fast process. So you get back to your car and you find a parking ticket affixed to the windscreen. Are you mad? yes you are, as you have paid for your parking.

Now you are locked in a battle with a faceless corporation to get a ticket, that should not have been issued, cancelled. Can you feel the injustice? the waste of time, the High Streets of Barnet decaying, the voters changing side?

Pay-by-phone has the same flaw as a traffic warden can issue a ticket faster than you can pay. I don't think you tweet but you really need to use twitter and see for yourself the tweets of people who have tried to pay-by-phone and driven off because they got cut off 4 times, or who have paid 2 minutes before the parking ticket was issued. Never mind "Labour isn't Working" (and I don't do politics with a big p) "parking isn't working" in Barnet.

You know what is needed. It is a payment method that is simple and instant. There is a popular machine that fits the bill. It is called a parking meter. Do you know they have some nowadays that take cash and credit cards and you find them right next to where you want to park. As I travel around the country I see them everywhere. Isn't it about time Barnet caught up and got some?

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best regasrds (sic)

Mr Mustard

Mr Mustard was using his laptop computer sitting on the sofa when he sent this and with the tiny 7" screen he didn't notice he had not spelled regards correctly but luckily most people won't notice and his phrase "potential lady customer" should have read "lady potential customer" as she did look like a lady. Please can you apologise to her Helen on behalf of Mr Mustard.