Dear Percy

what a cute mole

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Dear Percy

I have a mole problem. They keep appearing in the large lawn at the business park where I work and I can't get rid of them. I live in the town and am not used to the country ways they have in Barnet. It's not like this on the golf courses of Spain. I have read up on them and generally there will only be one mole or two in your lawn that will need to be caught or scared off, but in my lawn they are in their hundreds & they seem to be multiplying by the day & crisscrossing tunnels all over my lawn.

I have tried getting my gardening assistants to put out some traps to catch them, but these moles are clever, I can't catch them as they hide & keep dodging the traps. They aren't stupid enough to show their faces and they look like normal creatures.

I have been hiding secret things in the One Barnet lawn and they keep digging them up and giving them to the boggarts. The boggarts have found out about my plans to turf out some of the lawn and to make the rest grow faster using less fertiliser and now I look like a right muggle.

The moles move about faster than a Town Hall Tax Dodger and don't stay in one place for long before they are off.

I thought about gassing them all but as I have never seen one I am afraid that I will kill all the creatures in the park and then no labour at all would take place and my grand plans for a better garden with less money would fail.

The worry is so bad that all my hair is falling out. Surely there must be a sure-fire way of getting rid of moles, isn’t there? What should I do?

Yours in hope

Uncle F

Interim Assistant Director of Gardening

North London Business Park

---

Dear Uncle F

Thank you for writing to me.

Moles are lovely creatures and part of everyday country life in Barnet. It also looks like the things that you are hiding which you think should be secret really ought to be public anyway so think of the moles as your furry little helpers, they do the digging. The boggarts are your conscience and perform a useful function of raking over things and building the public display garden.

Did you know that the name Thrower means one who twists the fibre – probably wool – into thread or yarn. Are you sure we aren't related as I hear that you are trying to weave together a load of old yarn into a set of emperor's new clothes.

I don't think you are cut out for the One Barnet country life and should go back to the city or move to Spain where you will be rid of the moles for good.

You will also never be rid of the moles until you stop hiding things in the lawn.

Yours in hope

Percy

Today's special at NLBP - Entrecote à la bordelaise

Mr Mustard does not eat meat but pesky rats do need to be sorted out at the Barnet Council data centre where they can chew the cables.

Picture credit : www.aaanimalcontrol.com

Anyway the solution is apparently going to be to put them on the menu in the staff restaurant ( what a pity it isn't April 1 ) as that is easier than fixing the air con and the sprinklers.

Calvin W. Schwabe in his book Unmentionable Cuisine says that North Americans should be using many forms of protein which are routinely consumed in other parts of the world. The following excerpts are from a section of the book giving recipes for cooking rats and mice.

"Brown rats and roof rats were eaten openly on a large scale in Paris when the city was under siege during the Franco-Prussian War. Observers likened their taste to both partridges and pork. And, according to the Larousse Gastronomique, rats are still eaten in some parts of France. In fact, this recipe appears in that famous tome."

Grilled Rats Bordeaux Style (Entrecote à la bordelaise)

Alcoholic rats inhabiting wine cellars are skinned and eviscerated, brushed with a thick sauce of olive oil and crushed shallots, and grilled over a fire of broken wine barrels.

In West Africa, however, rats are a major item of diet. the giant rat (Cricetomys), the cane rat (Thryonomys), the common house mouse, and other species of rats and mice are all eaten. According to a United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization report, they now comprise of over 50 percent of the locally produced meat eaten in some parts of Ghana. Between December 1968 and June 1970, 258,206 pounds of cane-rat meat alone were sold in one market in Accra! This is a local recipe that shows the South American influence on West African cuisine.

Stewed Cane Rat

Skin and eviscerate ( remove the internal organs ) the rat and split it lengthwise. Fry until brown in a mixture of butter and peanut oil. Cover with water, add tomatoes or tomato purée, hot red peppers, and salt. Simmer the rat until tender and serve with rice.

Tomorrow's delicacy will be bird's nest soup.

And unless they are careful it will be moles on the menu on Friday.

Yours frugally

Mr Mustard